Crafty Hour; It’s Happy With Crafts!

I’m BACK, bitches! (And mom) And I’m creepier and more worse at crafts (and apparently writing) than ever before!

Originally this was supposed to be a Super-Cute-DIY-Snow-Globe-Peppermint-Schnapps-And-Hot-Cocoa-Perfect-Post. But guess what. I’M NOT LIKE THEM.

Sigh, the snow globes were a big pile of fail. But, like they always say in crafting, a mistake isn’t a mistake, it’s a new discovery. Or some shit.

Valentines Day GLITTER BOMBS.

I hope you're ready for this.

 

What You Need For Valentines Day GLITTER BOMBS:

Glitter, All Kinds

Dolls, All Parts

Distilled Water

Jars

Beads

Glycerine

E9000 Glue OR Crazy glue

 

What You Need For a Saint Valentines Day Massacre:

Blood Orange Juice

Gin

Campari

Few dashes of Rhubarb bitters

Bitterness

 

Disclaimers:

1.) DO NOT USE BABY OIL. I did, because other craft blogs were all “oooh you can use baby oil instead of glycerin if you want I’m a big fat LIAR.” Use glycerin. I blame part of the failure on this.

2.) DO NOT USE PLASTIC OBJECTS. There are many reasons why. But the creepiest reason (somehow) is that glitter sticks to plastic like a lazy writer sticks to similes. I blame all the failure (or awesome) on this.

3.) For whatever reason, these same “craft blogs” recommend using distilled water. Which is boiled water that is then cooled. Which, dumb.

4.) If, while ringing you up for four plastic naked dolls, the Goodwill lady asks if you make doll clothes, JUST SAY YES.

5.) It’s always best to have a craft equivalent safe word. You’ll see what I mean.

6.) I’m very sorry.

 

Well, here goes nothing.

1.) Save some jars! Pick out some jars! Raid your friend’s JAR SHELF.

Yes, my friend has a jar shelf. She's that awesome.

2.) Gather your materials into a creepy pile on the floor.

How do I have friends.

3.) Decide what you want in your jars and….make that happen.

For the record, I got a bloody nose while writing this part. Pretty sure this is the reason.

4.) Make sure it fits in the jar.

Dang. Back to the jar shelf.

5.) Glue your object(s) onto the cap.

I found that perching her head on wine corks helped not at all.

6.) Let them set!

I had nothing to do with this one.

7.) In the meantime, fill your jar with things you’d like floating around in there.

Like glitter.

Or a doll's leg.

8.) Pour in the stupid glycerin and dilstilled water. Make sure to account for density and other nerd things.

Way to ruin everything, baby oil.

9.) Put glue on the edges of the cap. So it won’t leak.

10.) Pop that sucker in there.

Yay.

11.) Ta..daaaaa…

...aaaAAAAH

12.) Put them in a bag, go home. Pout.

The entire way home I kept thinking that if I got pulled over, the cops would find these and automatically arrest me.

13.) Now what?

14.) GOT IT.

 

PART II – Bringing Magic! To Valentines Day!

AKA  Being a bigger creep!

So, what do you do with jars of clumpy glitter, doll parts and overall feelings of badness? On Valentines Day?

1.) Hide it in someone’s bed!

Happy Valentines Day! I SMELLED YOUR PILLOW.

2.) Put it in your bathroom!

Love you! Even though we just met! YOU'D BETTER CALL ME.

3.) Place it on a doorstep!

Miss you! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME.

4.) Line them up outside of an apartment!

Xoxo! I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL.

5.) It got weird didn’t it?

Craft Safe Word! Craft Safe Word! I made something cute! I'm not a monster!

 

Part III – Let’s Forget That Just Happened.

AKA – Drinky Drink time!

St. Valentines Day Massacre:

1 oz. Blood Orange Juice

1 oz. Gin

1 oz. Campari

Ice

Few dashes of Rhubarb bitters

 

1.) Pour the blood orange juice, Gin (or as my grandma calls it, Panther Piss) and Camparini over ice in a high ball glass and stir.

2.) Scream while adding the dashes of rhubarb bitters.

What dolls?

Well I have a rule that once Panther Piss enters a blog, it’s time to wrap it up. I hope you enjoyed this week’s Crafty Hour and that it brings you hours of friendship happiness.

Until Next Time…

 

3 Comments

  1. trish wrote:

    nice work! thanks for brightening up my Valentine’s Day!

    Tuesday, February 14, 2012 at 12:17 pm | Permalink
  2. Christy wrote:

    This is soooooo funny! Satire at it’s best. I love glitter bombs. Everyone should have one.

    Wednesday, February 15, 2012 at 3:18 pm | Permalink
  3. Kate wrote:

    you should sell these on etsy! if nothing else, i bet they would honor them on regretsy…

    Friday, February 17, 2012 at 11:03 am | Permalink
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